How am I supposed to feel?

This world, this year and living life has been something I find hard to put into words.  I lay in bed at night, I go for a run, or just sit in my chair staring into space and still my mind crashes with so many thoughts no matter what I am doing.

The year started out as a busy one for me; hip surgery, busy with work, full load of online classes, a trip planned for Hawaii and so much more. COVID-19 hit, and it was not real.  We talked about it and laughed about it as it seems as if these things never reach our country.  Next thing I know professional sports shut down, stores are closed, services are closed.  We are all entrapped in our homes, trips are cancelled, gatherings cancelled, and we are told to wear a mask wherever we go.  These things do not happen, and this cannot be real, must be a hoax.  I know this is how we want to feel. Now suddenly the socializing some of us crave or need, the hugs and happy hours are all gone. How am I supposed to feel?  How am I supposed to live through it all?  Am I going to live through it all?  Will my loved ones be okay?  Are my children being safe?

George Floyd is killed.  All hell breaks loose around the country.  Do these things really happen?  I am white, am I really privileged?  I do not consider myself racist, am I?  Do I think there are more criminals that are black than white? Have I really thought differently of someone’s skin color without realizing it?  I do not know how another race feels and I do not see how they are treated.  Can I do something?  Can I change myself?  How can all police officers be lumped as bad?  What the heck is going on?  Everything I have ever known as history is going to change?  Why should it change?  It all happened; can we move on from this?  How do we move on from this?  Why are people’s livelihood’s being destroyed?  Haven’t we seen enough destruction to this country and economy from COVID-19?

What the heck is with our politics?  Do we honestly not have better people in the US to run for head of state?  How is this happening to our country?  How do I vote when I like no one?  What is the right choice?  Who is right and who will truly do more for our country?  Who will ruin our country?  Is their truly not anyone else?  Do we all have to hate each other for our choices?

I read everything I can, I devour videos and social media to try and find the answers I crave. I am doing yoga and meditation, something I have never really been into.  I am trying to find peace in a world full of crazy.  I have a mind that will not stop and cannot keep but wondering what is right and what is wrong.

I have no answers and I cannot stop going around in circles.  All we can do is hope and pray we can all come together, support each other, find out what the right thing truly is. All I can do is love my family and friends, be there if I am needed, and hope others are there for me when I need them.  All I want is to be loved and to love.  I want to clear my mind of every single thought, and just sit in a room with all my friends and family and hug each one of them. I want to be happy again, I want others to be happy again.  I want our country to be something we can be proud of. I want this to be a place once again where we can feel safe and secure and proud to say this is where we live.

Will we get to this place?  Will I be happy again?  I wonder.