Life Unexpected

Life is unexpected. Did you plan out your life as a child?  Did you want to be an actor, a fireman or even an astronaut?  I was going to be a famous actress. I played out so many leading roles in my gingham purple bedroom with all my stuffed animals being my supporting actors. I have always been a dreamer and imagined all the things I wanted to do in life.

Life does not always turn out the way you think it will, life happens, things happen, and you cannot control everything in your life. We are young and naïve and want to believe in the fairy tale. I grew up and did not become an actress, but I lived my life and things happened.

I was not prepared for my first child, not in any way, as my life had taken a turn after losing my father and so I was nowhere near where I should have been to have a child, but I had her.  Wow, when you have no idea what will happen and how you will handle it, all you have to do is look at your child’s eyes and know it will all be okay.  I will not say It was easy and life was a bowl full of cherries, but I had this precious child and it made my life better just by simply holding her. She was this beautiful little blond, blue eyed girl with so much spunk in her.  She made me laugh every day and feel joy just being around her.

I was prepared for my second child but still a scary time. They were born four years apart as I had to be ready for a second one and I finally was.  He was an amazing little boy with so much bravery and interest in everything around him and those two together were quite the pair.  She wanted to be the little mother and feed and rock him, and of course dress him up.  I miss these days.

The growing up happened and believe me, that was not an easy chore. I honestly think taking care of an infant or two year old (terrible two’s) is so much easier than a young teen! I had so many moments where I wanted to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs!  It was a challenge to say the least and I became a single mom during all this, so it made it that much more daunting.  I did the best I could and probably was not good enough but amazingly they turned out okay! They survived and I survived!

The hard times for me came after high school. My daughter wanted to go too far away (Chicago)for my liking and the thought of her being in that big city all by herself and I could not just be there whenever she needed me was a scary thought. Well the day came when we had to move her in to her dorm and I took my time helping put things away and organize. Hugging her goodbye and riding back down in that elevator was one of the hardest things I had to do.  I just wanted to go back for one more hug or just stick around a little while longer.  It was rough on her having to be by herself in a big city with no friends and I received so many calls from her in tears and of course I followed with tears of my own as my heart broke for her.  Luckily, it did not take too long to adapt and make friends and she now thrives today still living her life as an adult in Chicago and I could not be prouder.

Now onto my son. He moved a little closer (about 2 1/2 hours) to college but it was still not an easy task to leave him at his dorm. He is a boy so he would not even allow me to stick around and help put things away and organize.  We went to lunch and came back to the dorm, where we just stood there for a quiet moment and I finally gave him my last goodbye hug and walked out in tears and of course cried all the way home. 

My daughter has been in Chicago for quite some time and I have adapted but still miss her. My son got a job after college near home so has lived back home for a little over a year. Well now the day has come for him to move clear across the country.  Words cannot express how I feel today.  I have had tears in my eyes for over a day now.  I cannot seem to collect my emotions as they are all over the place.  I think it is just that final blow that they are both now completely on their own and will never truly be back in a sense.  I know that I will visit, and they will visit but it really is not the same.  You may think it will be nice to have no kids to take care of, but there is just something about having them still rely on you a little and the feeling of being needed.

I gave my last big hug and did not want to let go.  I watched him walk out and I even watched out the window as he pulled out of the driveway and drove away. I do not know how to control these feelings of sorrow, sadness, and emptiness.

The only thing that keeps me intact at this moment is knowing they are okay, and they have done well for themselves.  I am so proud of both and they have grown into wonderful adults, but I will always miss taking care of them and holding them in my lap or rocking them to sleep.  No matter what, I will always be there for them and they will still take precedence in my life no matter where they are or what they are doing, I will be there when they need me!

Life is unexpected, but sometimes it gives you the greatest gifts of all!